This is how to NOT write a query. It's horrible and yes I am brave enough to share it with you guys because I admit to not having developed my skills when I wrote this and I certainly hope that my current query will not be dissected in such a manner for its epic fail. Also I will be posting the rejections I got for it which was 2 rejections out of a whole pool of 11 no replies. My manuscript is completely different now and I am practically querying a new novel but I though some hopeful writers can learn something from my experience...And now the awaited epic failure query...
Dear (Insert Agent name),
I am seeking representation for my fantasy adventure novel “The Coming”, complete at 90,000 words. I am enclosing a synopsis and a sample chapter. The sequel, “The Return”, is nearing completion and the third book in the trilogy “The Sacrifice” featuring the same characters, is in outline form. “The Coming” can stand as a stand alone novel, though can also be extended to a trilogy.
Like I usually say to everyone else. No reason to mention anything about trilogies or what not. First get your first book agented then you can talk.
Earth - A planet which is divided in two outstandingly different worlds…
Millions of years ago the very first settlements of civilized humanity included one man which invented something brilliant, yet destructive and unwanted.
That sounds ridiculous since the nuclear bomb wasn't invented a million years ago. Back then I thought it sounded cool... Ha!
A nuclear bomb. The mechanism brought nothing but doom, resulting in a complete collapse of the opposite dimension and destroying all living beings and plants into the simplest of all particles - dust.
Dust isn't even the simplest of particles. I should have learned my basic science before writing this!
As thousands of years passed, the opposite dimension evolved into what humans are today, at the colossal year of 2024.
That isn't a colossal year and this becomes Very confusing. There is no hook and the main Character hasn't been mentioned. Rejection if I were an agent. I am not surprised I got so many no replies.
Not many know of the other dimension which lays right below our finger tips, except for the many scientists which had spent their lives work on research. Mutated humans and animals roam the opposite dimension, some created by scientists of the other dimension and some modified by radiation. The dust had long gone, but a completely different atmosphere evolved, leaving the isolated human settlements fighting for life, and simple survival.
This is all confusing back-story and the query doesn't even speak of the MC. Practically already a failure on EPIC proportions. This is probably what someone could come up with if they were competing in the worst query contests.
16 year old Fidencio finds himself in a military base.
And? Here is another cliché I know I have committed. The dude waked up with no memory and no thoughts making him COMPLETLEY and ANNOYINGLY clueless through the rest of the novel. When I revised the only thing that keeps me from not calling it a completely new novel was the fact that I used my antagonist for my new MC. Other than that this has nothing to do with my new story line.
His memories, and thoughts erased.
As he plans for escape, he finds himself lost in the outskirts of the other dimension. With romance and suspense, he finds himself tangled in a war of wits, power and strength. Races of changed humans collide against one another, conquering the battlefield with blood thirsty swords. The adventure novel entangles a web of complex characters in a want for justice, freedom and love.
I am not even going to critique that. You know what I mean to say. Epic fail.
“The Coming” is my very first novel. I'd be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
I sound like the amateur that I was.
All the Best,
So what do you think? How horrible is it really?
For me the verdict… The worst query you can EVER dig up.